S2 Episode 39: There's a Change Coming; Are You Ready?

Note: Transcripts are computer generated

Narrator 00:00
Sugar and Spikes is a science backed and semi sarcastic mental health podcast for a new type of business leader. Mental health concerns are occasionally addressed. But this podcast is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition, mental, physical, metaphysical, or otherwise. That's a job for your doctor or therapist, not a podcast. Now that we've got that out of the way, let's get on with the show.

Dez 00:42
It's, it's a little, little gray out today it is. But before we get into the ever important weather section of the podcast,

Tammy 00:51
It's true. I think we have to inform them all the time. It's hot here. It's storming here. Yeah.

Dez 00:58
Welcome to your untimely Midwest weather update.

Tammy 01:02

We need like meteorologist names.

Dez 01:04
Yes. I am Sandy Storms. Actually, no, I'm not, I'm Dez I'm a serial content creator, and co host of this fabulous podcast that you're listening to right now.

Tammy 01:21
Yeah. And I'm Tammy, I was psychologist and also a co host of this podcast.

Dez 01:26
Yes. But ok. So the weather does have a little something to do with today's topic. But in general, we want to talk about this idea of, I don't know, I guess almost like self awareness. It sounds trite by like, like the changing of the seasons and things and how like one thing that has come up so often recently is OMG, can you believe it's almost September and then it's almost fall and just like this idea that time passes by so fast. And this idea that we get so wrapped up in like the day in day out stuff to where we may start to get not necessarily burned out, but like the wheels may start flying off. So like burnt out, and we don't realize it? Yeah, you know, and, like those situations, can really affect a lot of external things like can affect your job performance. It can affect how you interact with friends, family, coworkers, things like that. So being aware, and having kind of this guidance and you know, stuff like that to manage it all, is pretty important.

Tammy 02:54
Yeah. I think what's interesting, though, too, is like you talk about time going fast. For me, summer has just dragged on, and I'm over it in a big way.

Dez 03:07
Yeah, like for me summer was I just need to get through it. Like, how many times throughout summer was I talking to you like, I just need to get through travel season?

Tammy 03:15
Yeah, I know. Right. So I think it's a really good way to kind of like, set those two things beside each other. And to say, like, different things like summer means something different to you than it does to me. And what it means to me is different than it would mean to someone else. Right?

Dez 03:34
Well, and I think that also ties to, you know, not having society kind of project their messages on to you. And if if you do hear like, oh, summer super relaxing, and x y&z and things like that, then there's this added layer of feeling kind of out of a loop of, yeah, that may be it for 90% of the people, but for me, here's what my summer looks like and that alone can set you up to have this sort of like negative experience to walk through it with a not so positive view, yeah. Which can therefore affect so many other things.

Tammy 04:17
Yeah, I think that's true. I think it's true when you're like separated, or your point of view, or your experience kind of doesn't go with like this societal narrative of like, oh, everyone takes vacations in the summer. And I'm like, I don't it just makes it even harder. And you feel like even more alone on that island. And like, having to push through it by yourself. Because like, even if you don't consciously think about it, you're like, well, no one really gets it like they don't like because they're doing this glamorous vacation thing. And like, I know you do your vacations, like later in the year, and anytime. The last time I had a vacation. I don't even know. I remember what it was. It's been that long. So like, for me, summer is trying to push through to the end to get a break. And for you, it's kind of like no, no, no, don't go summer. Don't go.

Dez 05:13
I mean, it's it's a little bit of both, yeah. Because I mean, I've had like the crazy travel season. Not as crazy last year, but still, you know, being away from home for for work is hard. It's hard. But also like, we're on summer hours and the weather's nice. And it just like longer days. Yeah. So it's definitely a both and situation. But I think I think really, one thing you mentioned was the idea of like, head down and just focusing on, that can get really dangerous because when you do just put your head down and you focus on will everyone else when there's assumption that everyone else is having this really great experience, I'm going to push forward and not. I'm going to push forward and do my own thing. And that's it

Tammy 06:07
Well you not want to put that on anyone else. And like a wreck their good time. Either right?

Dez 06:11
I mean, there are a few things there, right. Like, for one, there's this assumption. Whereas as we just kind of discussed with my situation, like, it's both like, it's a little nice and a little bit hectic, like, so you're putting this assumption on their experience. And again, like, there's this negative perception where you're getting down on yourself, and creation of almost jealousy towards like the rest of society. And then the third thing is, when this happens, this is a highly loaded situation it is the third thing is that you when you just keep going so hard, so fast, and so isolated, then things start to happen that you don't even realize,

Tammy 06:54
Yeah, right. Cuz like this idea. I think very often, you know, we talk about self awareness and how to know when you're burned out. But I think the times when it's the most not dangerous as in like, dangerous, someone's gonna die. But I think the hardest place to be is this feeling like you're managing it all. And you're doing okay, and you kind of know you need a break. But you know, I got this, I've done this before, like, it's fine. And then something happens. And then all of a sudden, everything you were balancing just comes crashing to the floor. And you're like, kind of stunned, like, how did I get here? I was doing fine yesterday. And that's, I mean,it's a hard place to be.

Dez 07:37
And I think kind of the danger is is it comes from that isolation. Because so we've talked about, well, I don't want to put myself on other people. So you you're already isolating. And then you don't have that connection where someone else can come in and say, Hey, it looks like you may need help or something. And I know for like overachievers, you know, a lot of folks that really kind of pride themselves on being able to quote unquote, do it all. It becomes this sort of point of pride where yeah, you're right. I am doing this all Oh, my God, I can't believe how much I'm juggling. I noticed that just personally like bringing in a personal example this week, where I was like, I have my shit on lock, like, it is great. I can't believe all the things I'm getting done. I'm just knocking task out. And things are growing. And this is amazing. And yes, I have found the way forward. And then Wednesday happened. Yeah. And then it was it reminded me of like those old cartoons with like, the Road Runner. Oh, yeah. It was like running, but then slammed into a wall. Like, I didn't see this coming at all. It was just like Wednesday night, I was done with work. And I think I was like starting to stretch or something to work out. And I just started like crying. And just felt like everything. Yeah. And was like I was simultaneously like, stressed and mad and shocked. Yes. shocked. And just everything. Yeah. And almost a panic attack like, there was an intense amount of anxiety. Yeah, um, and I think that like looking back now, one of the warning signs that really was in this inflated sense of confidence. Like, there's a difference between, I can do this through these tools. Like there's a difference between I'm managing and this is great. And I'm going to make sure I get what I need. Versus Oh, my God, this is amazing. And I have like, figure it out. Yeah. You know, like, there's definitely a difference.

Tammy 09:56
Oh, for sure. And I think sometimes that's really a hard thing line to walk. Especially, because, like, the drift can be so slow that you don't even notice it. Because I had a similar situation to you this week to something's in the air, I swear.

Dez 10:15
It's the new moon, I'm just gonna get all sorts of woo. It's the new movie love the woo.

Tammy 10:21
But I just similar thing happen, and I was I was kind of caught on to it at the very last second, but not with enough time to actually like I was starting to be more aware and that it was just blah (laughter) like, yeah, you know what I mean? So like, by the time it was brought to my attention, I didn't even notice it. Right? So all these things had kind of been happening. And I just kept thinking, yeah, I'm a little tired. But okay, I just need a good night's sleep, I just need a couple of hours off and like, everything will be fine. And I wasn't getting those things. But I also was still like, I just need that one thing, and I'll be okay. And so you kind of it's so slow that like you just don't even notice it until you're at the bottom of this canyon. And you're like, How the hell did I get here? Like I don't even know.

Dez 11:13
And I think really, depending on the situation, but a lot of times for as fast as it comes on. If you know what you need and give that space. Getting back to baseline is pretty accessible. Oh sure, you know, depending on the length of build, like I know, with your example and everything, there's been a bit of a slower build, like to get to the realization and stuff like that. Like maybe months. Yeah, I'd assume.

Tammy 11:46
Right. I'm thinking back on it now. And I'm like, Oh, this has been going on a long time. And taking a bubble bath is not going to help with that. No, no, no, it's not.

Dez 11:54
Whereas like with my example, it's funny because I do I have like a super level of self awareness because I'm an only child in the world revolves around me. I know that like, this past weekend, I didn't get my quiet Sunday. Like I put so much into making things like my life is being like a creator. Right? Yeah. And interacting with people. I'm also like, a, very much an introvert. And this past weekend, I had family in town and saw like hung out with neighbors and I didn't get my quiet sunday. Like normally I can do things on Saturday, but Sundays like phones down. I watch TV. I take like any sort of pressure off. That didn't happen this week. Three days later, I lose my shit. Yeah. You know, and looking back now. Oh, I see.

Tammy 12:45
Yeah, it's funny how hindsight is 2020 like, that's so crappy. Like, how come you couldn't see is like two days ago? Yeah.

Dez 12:53
Yeah. So I, and it's only coming out of it. And realizing that Wednesday, when I had that moment and just made myself like disconnecting, I had to do some work around the, it's okay to have days throughout the week be different, like there can be a routine. And it can be different to if you need it to be so flexibility, consistency. So I was playing around with that and just kind of leaned into it on Wednesday. And then it was during this episode when I was thinking about I was like, Oh, yeah, I was because like, I didn't get my Sunday. Yeah, I'm spoiled and I need my Sundays. So ya know!

Tammy 13:35
It's like a little temper tantrum all of its own.

Dez 13:39
Oh my God, my brain was just like, no, my brain is a toddler. I didn't get my nap. Right. And you want me to go Be nice to that person. No

Tammy 13:48

I'm now gonna have like a breakdown in the store. While I'm like laying on the floor screaming, I just want to go bananas. Like, so for that situation, a timeout and a timeout. For like that break. Or as I mentioned to me, like a bowl of athlete, it wasn't a bubble bath. But like that moment, how? Because it was a brief timeline. That's what I'm getting at. Whereas, like, if it's longer, then there's kind of this almost call for deeper evaluation and looking into kind of processes and kind of, dare I say, digging into that skills closet for what's maybe gone out of style that you didn't realize was out of style. Oh, but or what do you have in your closet that's coming back in style. I'm sorry. I was looking at like, trends for fall. And it was like, plaid, and I'm like, Oh, yeah.

Dez 14:54
Oh, no. So here's here's the 2020 spring trends. florals and pastels. Here's the 2020 fall trends. flannels and winter trends are going to be velvet and jewel tones.

Tammy 15:09

Groundbreaking. Groundbreaking.

Dez 15:11

Shocker, right?

Tammy 15:13
I just thought it was funny. Like I was reading it. And I'm like, plaid? I'm like, I didn't get rid of all my plaid. Like, here it comes, you know? Yeah, like, Oh, I can refresh it and use it again. But I know that wasn't the point you were making. But I just thought that was funny. But yes,

Dez 15:27
It's like looking at your school closet, maybe like what doesn't fit so much anymore? What's not working? What is left over from this person that was and now isn't anymore. I know, you and I kind of talked about that.

Tammy 15:40
Yeah, I mean, so the idea of the bubble bath, I think is really important. Because that's not to say bubble bath aren't necessarily for the people who like them. D

Dez 15:50
Oh, no, I took I took like a bubble bath on Tuesday before I had my meltdown. And for one it didn't work or two it was quite lovely. But it was was like a scheduled like this is my defined...So anyways, I'm going off on a tangent. But bubble blaths can be nice if you do them in a way that works for you.

Tammy 16:10
So I hate them. And I don't

Dez 16:12
Okay, so I used to until Tuesday. Because I shifted my mindset around them. Okay. And with what I was expecting them to be what did you expect them to be? So I used to always think that they really this magical moment to just like sit and relax for like 40 minutes or whatever, you know, the way that people are just like I'm just gonna hang out and do these things. It wasn't a bubble bath, they were like bath bombs, anyways. I did one with Epson salt. Okay, cuz my muscles hurt so and then that was the thing. It was self care in that my muscles hurt. So I'm doing this to feel better. I think this was thing I was doing it to have my muscles feel better. So I could work out more on Wednesday. And then like, when like everything still hurt on Wednesday. I was like I am done. I tried. We're done. Go away. Yeah.

Tammy 17:00
Well, I think that's interesting, because you're kind of talking about, look kind of small activities that help you maintain in the short term. A bubble bath isn't going to fix a big crash. And I will tell you, I hate bubble baths. Why? They are fucking boring. Like, I'm sitting here in water. Like I don't find it relaxing. I don't find it any of those things.

Dez 17:25
That's where like my shift was was I was it was serving a purpose. Yeah, with like the Epsom salts and really to like, help my muscles feel better. Yeah, I also may or may not have had my iPad propped up with some real housewives on and some kombucha in a wine glass. Like it was a thing.

Tammy 17:44
I just can't even get into it enough to even try that stuff. Like my partner. He loves them. He takes them three to four times a week. And I'm like, I don't under I don't understand what's going on right now. But you do you.

Dez 17:56
You know what else I did? On Monday night I looked up the research behind why why bath are beneficial.

Tammy 18:02


Dez 18:03
There's like a lot of research around how it calms like your CNS and everything. And so I had some science to it took me a day to science it up. And then I like tried it out on Tuesday and then was pissed off by Wednesday. So clearly it didn't work. (laughter)

Tammy 18:18
I mean, so the little low maintenance the as we do for ourselves, obviously for me, it's not taking a bath. Yeah. I think are important. But I think sometimes what happens is, and this is what happened to me, like, you put your head down, you're just trying to get through to this end, that really is more nebulous than you think. Because actually, there's really, there's no, there's no end, but you thinking I just have to get through this. But if you were to finish that thought it would be through and to what? Yeah, like to what end? Like, where's that going? And I would have been like, Oh, you know, like, nowhere, it's the same.

Dez 18:50
Which is something we've been talking about were like, there's always something else.

Tammy 18:54
Right. And so milestones that you hit are like long gone by the time you knew you hit them. So anyway, I wasn't doing a lot of those self care things. And so like, sometimes the week would come on Monday, and I'd be like, man, I just don't want to get out of bed. And I just think you know what, you're having a bad day, like, just get up, let's go, go to it. And that was happening for a long time. And my idea was, I don't even think I was trying to actively ignore it. But I actually was just trying to hold everything and kind of this status. Not going up or down. But just balancing

Dez 19:34
Things were bubbling. And you tried to put the lid on instead of turning off the flame.

Tammy 19:39
Yeah, exactly. And I didn't even try and turn the heat down a little. And not only that, I turned the heat up a lot because I was working extra hours. And they were it was things I had to do.

Dez 19:50
Why isn't this lid work?! (laughter)

Tammy 19:53
Like I don't understand. And then like, boom, like everything just kind of exploded in my face like not, not in like tangible way. I wasn't anyway, yeah, yeah. But for me, it felt like to me person, like, like first level. Like for me, it was just, Oh, my God. What just happened? I don't know. And like, I didn't have the energy to figure it out, you know, so, but with people who are high achieving, and who have been through incredibly pressurized situations for a long time, and that's a lot of us yeah, right most most, and you've been through it and you manage to get through it somehow. I think that can set up this kind of false idea in your mind that you can always just make it to the end, and then do what you have to do. Because you've done it before. Right. And this ties back to the skills club that you've done before.

Dez 20:56
You've worn it before

Tammy 20:59
It really worked it looked amazing. And then now you keep trying to wear it again and again. And again. And this like your best friend says you really need to not wear that anymore. So I think that there is a danger in that when you are high achieving. And you can handle a lot of stress. And you're used to a lot being demanded of you that you think, Yeah, I can do that. I've done that a million times. But I think the danger in that is not every situation that you've been in that was filled with pressure and stress is the same. And so we think it's the same situation. Whereas like in the big picture, maybe it is, but in the minutia, kind of like the details, it is not. And so what felt appropriate actually wasn't?

Dez 21:45
Yeah. So I mean, how can folks kind of navigate? like checking into their skills closet and stuff? Like I have a couple of thoughts, but I'm interested..

Tammy 21:58

Tossing it at me first?

Dez 21:59


Tammy 22:00
So I think it depends on where you're at. If you have been having like a bunch of like, I don't want to get out of bed mornings. maybe think about how you need to end the day, the day before. But also recognize that you may be further on down the road than you ever thought. And you can try what you can try soon as you real, right. You know what I mean? Like, once it's brought to your attention, however that happens, somebody tells you or something like the light bulb comes on somehow, and you're like, Okay, I have to do something about this. And maybe those things don't work. But they may have worked, just not preventing, like, it almost prevented the not the accident, but how severe it was. And so I always go back to like being gentle with ourselves because nobody is harder on themselves than themselves. And so not to frame it up as like, well I just totally failed at that. Like, maybe you didn't because you can, you can turn it into something that you learned. And learning is not always comfortable. It's not always kind.

Dez 23:10
It is rarely comfortable. Right? Like fun. Yeah, like schools lie. Learning is not fun. I know.

Tammy 23:17
It's not. And I'm reminded of that every once in a while, like a person who only has one strategy. Like they are kind of in for not good things. And so the things that teach you flexibility and problem solving are the things that hurt the most. Yeah, you know, but they end up being valuable experiences in the end. But they also suck. So like both those things are true. Yeah. And so trying to be gentle with yourself. And by the time you did catch it, okay, what can I do to try and like, help myself? Maybe not entirely, but like, turn down the heat a little bit if we're going with the lid on the pot. That's what I would say. Yeah, so helpful, not helpful.

Dez 24:09
Well, I think that you're mentioned of like, the one way and this was back to kinda like the head down, keeping forward, like pushing everything going. It makes me think of like, if you have this one pair of pants, or like the one jacket that you just you wear day in and day out and day in and day out. And for one, things are going to start to get smelly. I don't care how much Febreeze you use, like if that is the one thing you have. And then it's also it will get worn out. Yeah. If it's from Forever 21. Maybe next week, if it's like a good investment piece, six months from now or something, but you're going to start seeing those holes. Yeah, that wear and tear. So if your self care, quote unquote, strategy, or, you know, your management style of everything is the same thing. Yeah, head down, and day out, you will see those holes

Tammy 25:10
That's interesting that you say that I'm just gonna stop you really quick. Because I just realized, as you were talking, that I pride myself on being flexible and having good problem solving strategies, but actually putting your head down and trying to get through it is a singular strategy.

Dez 25:26
Yeah, um every time I've suggested something to you for Have you tried this? It gets met with a That doesn't work. Or I don't do that. I don't do that.

Tammy 25:38
Man, you're just fucking throwing me under the bus here. Yeah, so like, I say it with love. Sure. Well, and because I get it's true, it's true.

Dez 25:49
I think it's important to like, no one has this together. Oh, no, you've also thrown me under the bus many times. But I mean, like, this goes to what you were talking about earlier, where having, like an outside perspective. And being like, having space for that is also key. Like if your friends like, hey, that shirts small. I don't care if it's your favorite shirt. Maybe it's not appropriate to wear to work right

Tammy 26:21
Yeah. And like, so I think sometimes putting your head down and trying to get through it doesn't feel like a singular strategy, because each day has something new. Exactly. So like, you know, I'm super flexible. Right? Yeah. So like, it's that dialectic of it's a singular strategy. And it's also different strategy. And so, um, so it ends up being the one thing you use when things get really hard. And sometimes it's just not the right thing. Yeah, you know. So that's really interesting to me. I think about it, aha moment, right now.

Dez 26:26
I think about it in terms of working out. Whereas like, I could say, I work out five or six days a week, which could be singular, but also, like, I make sure or at least I try to, and I definitely almost always fall into this trap of getting hooked on one specific style. Oh, yeah. So I try to keep it diversified are like Mondays like, long and hard. And it's like, the worst day of the week, workout wise for me. So then it's just done. Oh, you know, and then like Tuesday's, like, short and sweet and things like that. But then, if I, even if I try to have that system of like a different style, and each day, after about 10 days, that I'm like, I just want to do this one thing, either. It's either I just want to keep it short, because I'm sick of dedicating all this time. Or I just want to keep it like, kind of easy in terms of like a bar and stuff because I'm sick of throwing weights right now. Yeah. And then it just like turns into this other type of singular style. So I think even for diversified things. We crave habit. Oh, you know, we're crave the, this is the one thing I know. Well, I can do it on automatic. Exactly. So it's this constant battle. And that's one thing with like, professional growth, personal growth, it really is holding yourself to like, a higher level that no one else is asking of you. Except yourself.

Tammy 28:24
Right? Well, and also, like, just a little bit of self disclosure. I remember you saying to me, like, last week, maybe I don't know what day it. It's real. But whatever day you said this to me, you were like, you have not really done a good job of burnout prevention or even taking that seriously. And I was like, Oh, yeah, you're right. Like I hadn't. Like I thought of burnout. And I'm like, that doesn't really happen to me, like, I'm okay. I'll be fine. And like, it isn't like I was actively ignoring it, or even actively going like, haha, I don't do that. It was just more like, I'm not going to get burned out. Because I know, before I get there, I will know what to do. And so I was not taking it seriously, because I thought I could manage it.

Dez 29:16
Well, I also think that there's this part, there's this point of, it's, it can be very difficult to know if/ when burnout is coming, because we're constantly facing different kind of lifestyle situation. Yeah. Like you and I were talking about this where you've been in extremely stressful and trying situations before and manage it, but your life hasn't had the unique complexities that it has right now. So how would you know? Right, you know, so I think taking that step back and saying, even if I think I know, okay, then what would that you know, like, going that extra step beyond? Oh, I know.

Tammy 30:00
Yeah. And I think what also makes that hard is sometimes doing self care when you're in a situation like that just feels like one more fucking thing on your plate that you have to do

Dez 30:09
The bubble bath example

Tammy 30:10
Right. Like, I'm not going to do that. Like, I'm not, I just won't, I don't have time. I don't have time. It's not helpful. I don't even like that anyway, blah, blah, blah. But like, it's not because we want ourselves to get burned out. It's just like, it's really hard to have that level of self awareness. Especially when, like, so many things in your life for calling for attention. How much attention do you really have left? Yeah, to be like, Hmm, I think I'm headed towards a burnout. I think maybe I should do this. Because you're not thinking that you're just like, Oh, my God, I just want to go to bed. I'm like, I just have to do that. Like I don't. I'm done. Yeah. And so it's really, really hard. And so, like, it's easy, I think sometimes to reflect and be like, Oh, yeah, I saw that coming. Like, I don't know, I didn't see it. But it's just, you only have so many fucks to give, you only have so much attention that can be put on so many things. And so it really does help to have somebody in your life, who can be like, Okay, hold on a second. This is all I'm gonna say. And then take what you will. And this is what it is. And you did that with me last week. And I was like, Fuck, yeah, you're right. No, you're right. Like, I wasn't even like defensive about it. I was like, Oh, shit. Yeah, you're right. Um, but by that time, it was just like, A little too late, right. But who knows, if you hadn't even said that. Where I would be now, compared to where I am. Now. That makes sense. Like, if you hadn't said those things, I would have still thought like i got this. And I was really starting to think through the weekend, like, maybe I don't have this, like, maybe I need to think about doing something else. But before I could really implement those strategies, it was just like, Fuck, you know?

Dez 32:08
Well, and I think like, that self awareness, it's hard for people to have it's hard for some to have that external source. And I think, you know, I'm, I'm personally such a big fan of like those 92nd moments of like, internal dialogue again, only child I only had myself growing up. Yeah. Where it's like, okay, where am I today? How am I feeling? Also, I worked like at inpatient for almost 10 years and having those like daily check ins with clients and telling them, did you do that? Or like asking, have you done it yet? Yeah. It wears and grows on you at the same time. Yeah. But having those internal check ins of how am I a scale of one to 10? And just knowing that can be so beneficial. Because it's like, I'm, I'm at a three, I'm exhausted and stuff. Do I have time to think about why? No, but I know that walking through the rest of the day, I'm probably going to be a little bitchy. Yeah, you know, and then, like, even just doing like number tracking, and a bullet journal or something like that to say, oh, today, like, for the past week, it's all been threes, maybe something else needs to happen, you know, something like, just some sort of way to visualize and bring that awareness to yourself, I think there are ways to get creative around that if you don't have like, a therapist or that person or insert other brilliant individual here. Brilliant mind here.

Tammy 33:45
Yeah. I mean, I think the reason that therapists don't do therapy with friends and loved ones is because one of the things that drives therapy and makes it work is the therapist is outside the situation, again, take that broader view. Whereas when you're in it, you it's almost impossible. And so having somebody external, like a therapist, life coach, friend, whoever, they're going to be able to see things you can't see. And so that's where it becomes really valuable. But also, we think, and I know I do this, so like I'm calling myself out too, I don't have time to check in with myself. That's not true. I could have done that, in my 10 minute drive to work, you know. So when we start to feel like, we don't have time because, it legitimately feels like you don't? It becomes a way to challenge yourself to be like, that's not really the case. And where could I do it? Even if I could only do it once? Where can I yeah, and trying to find that one place where you can fit it in. I remember, like, sometimes when I teach, so I teach skills, right? And I teach a skill that's about when you feel really, like emotionally, like high. Like, I can't even talk today. But when you're really willing to elevate and RX. Know, so like when you're feeling super emotional, but in terms of like negative emotions, so like you're feeling triggered or whatever, you can actually take a minute, not even, it doesn't even take a minute. But here's the interesting thing. You can take a deep breath, and check ins, check in with yourself, and then take a deep breath and kind of do the same thing with the outside. And it feels like you don't have time for that. And it takes less than 15 seconds.

Dez 35:41
And it can be so helpful

Tammy 35:42
Right? But it really does feel like you don't have time. But when you do it, you're like, Oh, so like our brain kind of lies to us a little bit

Dez 35:51
Because it gets caught up in like so many other things, you know, it gets caught in the cycle of I have this and this is going on. It's just like it's on repeat. Like it is like a cassette tape on loop.

Tammy 36:05
Yeah. But also, I was explaining this to my daughter yesterday. I said, Listen, our brain tells us things. But our brain, the human brain is designed to be fast and not accurate, fast and lazy. Right? Like it's designed for speed. And so to in order to do that evolution has kind of said, Well, maybe accuracy isn't quite as important. And so it sometimes your brain tells you something, but it's leaving out this whole other piece, or it's telling you something that if you just took a deep breath and checked again, you would find that it wasn't the case. Right? Like, like you think you see somebody like, and you get kind of like, and then you realize it's not that person. Yeah, that's what I mean by like, it's made to be fast, not accurate. And so sometimes even it'll tell you like you don't have time. Well, yes, I do. I may not have an hour, but I certainly have 15 seconds. Yeah. And then doing that. Like the check it like the deep breath check in the deep breath check out is your way of like challenging your own assumptions and like challenging what your brain is telling to you like an experiment. Of is that really true? So kind of doing some empirical testing? And usually, it's pretty interesting the results you find, because you know, yeah, I didn't have time to do that.

Dez 37:32
Yeah. And I think even with that, if if you have to do it five or six times throughout the day, that's what a minute and a half of your time. So that's something that you can easily go back to when the loop starts coming up again, right. And you're not losing time, right. And I think like this whole thing on time, makes me think of and I know a lot of different various like, circles kind of use this, I've heard it for meditation. I've heard it for like, AA meetings and stuff. But the I don't have time to like, I don't have time to meditate. I don't have time to go to a meeting. I don't have time to workout is the time you know, you need it. Yeah, like especially I think for like those quicker things like the meditation and stuff like, I don't have time to meditate

Tammy 38:22
Yeah, it's not a priority. So one way that I teach to challenge is when you say I don't have enough time, what you're really saying is that is not a priority for you. So if you don't have enough time to check in with yourself, it's just not a priority for you right now. Yeah. And when you frame it up that way, it kind of sounds in a way you didn't really mean it. Yeah. Like I don't ever mean to say like, I'm not important, or I don't want to be emotionally healthy, or I don't like I'm not meaning to say those things, but sometimes just rewording them from a different perspective. You're like, Oh, yeah, you know, and so then it kind of unlocks and kind of gets your thinking kind of going again.

Dez 39:10
Yeah. And I think the other thing is just kind of to round it out. And to carry on this skills closet piece is, you know, it when you're going through this evaluation, when you're realizing things maybe weren't working the way that they used to, they weren't fitting the way that they used to things like that, as you're getting rid of stuff. I would suggest there being time in allowing space to consider what else you're bringing in. Because I mean, if you think about in terms of shopping, like for the most part, you don't just go by the first couple of shirts that you see, like it's, well what did that what purpose did that top serve, it was a nice worktop, it was easily packable things like that, that what did that skill that I am no longer kind of pulling out? What was that? Was that my, like, freebie Sunday? Or was that? You know, a quick mindfulness thing that I did for 10 seconds. Right? Okay, so I'm looking to replace this. So was anything fast. I need something that's more long term. You know, and, and sometimes like, and this is the thing, and I think this is one thing that I want to kind of make clear throughout this episode is having like, having this be a regular kind of check in. So you're not doing this type of inward searching and internal thinking, during a time of burnout or crisis. So you have the space to be like, well, what is? What did that serve? Yeah, what else would work, things like that.

Tammy 40:48
And the thing is, as I was thinking, and you can tell me if you think this is accurate, like a bubble bath is like an accessory. Mm hmm. They're accessories. So there are there are skills that are accessories. And then there like, these are my basic wardrobe staples. So like, it's all great if you have a great necklace, but that isn't necessarily going to make or break you. It's going to be those core things that you lean on. Yeah, yeah. So if you have a key piece of your wardrobe, like let's say you have a capsule wardrobe, and they have a key part of it that doesn't fit and then you kind of lost all the work ability that's there. And what you've chosen.

Dez 41:29
Yeah. Well, and I mean, playing through with this idea, like foundational skills and stuff are our foundations, like everything's like foundation pieces for wardrobe, like even like underwear and bras and things like that. They're where you build your outfit from kind of, they also wear out and some of the things that you need to have on like heavy rotation and be paying attention to. Same thing with skills, like your foundational skills, if they start to wear out, if the elastic starts to go in that bra band. Like, if you're going to get back pain, like, you know, it's true. Like, yeah, you're going to get other forms of discomfort that weren't intended. Exactly. Yeah. So I don't know. That's no, I liked to round it out.

Tammy 42:19
Yeah. I mean, I really liked this idea, because I think it, it provides that additional perspective that's outside of you enough, that you can look at it and be like, Oh, yeah, so kind of like when you're teaching about culture, you have to put it in this other example of like, something not even related. So you can be like, Oh, that's how that concept works. Yes, we all swim in our own cultures that we're taught. And so sometimes it can be hard to step outside of that. And so you have to have this totally other thing like with animals or plants or like something like that. Yeah. So it's the same kind of idea. So putting this in the idea of a closet, and building with good foundational pieces that don't like, dig into your shoulders or like, you know what I mean? And then, like building from there, and if your core foundational piece is I can just do this, because I've done it before. You probably need to revisit that. Hmm. And I can say that, because that's been mine for a really long time. Yeah. And so now I'm here in a position saying, I really need to reevaluate that. So you know, we're fallible, we are all this just goes back to like, my core belief is that people are doing the best they can. And there are ways that they can do better. Yeah. And it doesn't take away from the fact that you are doing the best you can, trying as much as you can. And I totally respect that. So it helps you come from a place of compassion. Hmm. So,

Dez 43:49
Yeah, that's a great note to end on. All right. Well, we will talk to everyone. next week with another insightful skills closet perspective. Yeah, in some shape or form. Because we're doing the best we can.

Tammy 44:05
And maybe we need to do better. Bye friends!

Dez 44:07


Desiree Wiercyski